


Dying is Easy (Living is Harder)

by pumpkincat77



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Aaron Burr tries so hard, Aaron Burr-centric, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, F/M, Mistakes, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:29:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26501419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pumpkincat77/pseuds/pumpkincat77
Summary: Aaron goes to get a drink. He raises his glass and downs a mouthful for every soldier who died from one of his mistakes, who will never have the chance to live in freedom.He blacks out before making it through a quarter of the list.
Relationships: Aaron Burr & Alexander Hamilton, Aaron Burr/Theodosia Prevost Burr, Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler
Comments: 2
Kudos: 37





	Dying is Easy (Living is Harder)

It starts in 1776 with two orphans who wanted to prove that they were worth more than anyone bargained for.

It starts with a tap on the shoulder and a, “Pardon me, are you Aaron Burr, sir?”

Aaron drains his glass and says, “That depends, who’s asking?”

He turns around to find a smile that knocks him out, and he falls apart.

It comes as little surprise that Alexander, the one who punched the bursar at Princeton, falls in with that crowd. They are all fools running their mouths off, and they’ll all wind up dead sooner or later.

Alexander wishes for a war. Aaron knows where his strengths lie, and it’s not on a battlefield with a gun in his hand to kill their way to freedom. He wonders how many lives Alexander is willing to sacrifice for his own ambitions.

Aaron will not take a stand now, but he’s going to survive this revolution with his morals intact and rise up with the birth of this new country.

Aaron has to fight back a laugh at Alexander’s growing irritation and tells him, “Let him be.”

If only Alexander could ignore Samuel Seabury as well as he ignores Aaron’s advice.

As Samuel Seabury moves from looking indignant to flustered to downright harassed, Aaron makes one more half-hearted attempt to stop Alexander from utterly humiliating the royalist, and gets verbally attacked for his trouble.

War is even worse than Aaron had ever imagined. Years later, he will wish more than ever he had Alexander’s skill with a quill, not to shape America’s new government, but to bring life to the horrors of war. Maybe then presidents and kings will think twice about sending men to die for the good of the nation.

Aaron stands outside numbly as George Washington dismisses him and waves Hamilton in the room.

Washington is, without a doubt, the best general the revolution could hope for. Many love and respect him, but Aaron sees the snow cutting into the blue feet of shoeless boys marching to war and the bloody footprints left behind. He sees soldiers dying, not from bullets and bayonets, but from starvation and gangrene.

He sees all the suffering and death from this godforsaken war, and sees Washington as a monster.

Aaron sits at the makeshift bar with a glass of some unknown alcohol in his hand. Hamilton’s words hide his ruthless ambition, has always charmed women and men alike.

Alexander goes straight for Angelica Schuyler, and Aaron decides they are perfect for each other.

Or they would be, if Alexander were not a penniless soldier and Angelica were not the eldest daughter set to inherit the fortune and power of the Schuyler family.

Alexander is undeniably intrigued by Angelica, but easily turns his attentions to Elizabeth, the more attainable of the two sisters.

Eliza is not naïve, but it is hard not to love Alexander.

The night before the wedding, Aaron goes to congratulate Alexander and finds him and his friends drunk out of their minds.

He hopes it’s just the alcohol that makes Hamilton say he’d rather command a squad of men than write for George Washington. Aaron has long lost count of the number of times his prayers went unanswered, but he never forgets the names of his men who will never see the other side of the war.

Aaron panics when they mention Theodosia.

“I should go,” he says quickly, throwing back his beer and standing up, but Alexander grabs his arm.

“It’s alright, Burr,” says Alexander, smiling at him with the encouraging kindness born from excessive inebriation. Laurens rolls his eyes and groans, and Alexander shoves him before turning back to Aaron. “I wish you’d brought this girl with you tonight, Burr.”

Aaron finds himself telling them that she’s married to a British officer.

“If you love this woman, go get her,” says Alexander, as if it’s that simple.

To Hamilton, it is. He doesn’t care about who’s standing between him and what he wants.

Aaron knows Angelica and Alexander and Eliza. None of them will be happy with this marriage, but Alexander will get the money and recognition that he’s fought so long for.

Alexander looks at Aaron steadily. “What are you waiting for?”

They say love doesn’t discriminate, but Aaron wishes it would. He’s almost glad his parents aren’t alive to see him court a married woman on the wrong side of the war. He resolutely does not think about what his grandfather would say, since Aaron will suffer eternal damnation after he dies anyways.

Aaron has tried so hard to repent and atone for his sins, but he can’t give up Theodosia.

After everything Aaron has given up, after everyone he has lost, he can’t lose Theodosia too.

When Washington promotes Charles Lee, Aaron is both relieved and horrified. He’s relieved that Hamilton, with his inspiring words and reckless behavior, will not lead soldiers down a path of needless martyrdom.

He’s horrified since Lee will likely get the men killed anyways with his cowardice and stupidity.

He’s even more horrified when Laurens challenges Lee to a duel.

Aaron volunteers to be Lee’s second. He doesn’t really support the man after the disaster at Monmouth and is glad to see him stripped from his command, but Aaron hopes he can miraculously talk Alexander down from taking the loophole in Washington’s orders.

“Can we agree that duels are dumb and immature?” asks Aaron, without much hope.

“Sure,” says Alexander, looking as if he would very much like to disagree with his fists. “But your man has to answer for his words, Burr.”

Lee is not Aaron’s man, but he knows his protests would fall on deaf ears.

“With his life?” he says instead. “We both know that’s absurd, sir.”

Aaron miscalculated. He forgot Hamilton is not tired the way he is, tired of the endless cycle of death and violence.

“Hang on,” demands Hamilton furiously. “How many men died because Lee was inexperienced and ruinous?”

No one would argue that Lee did well, but Washington was the one who decided the political alliance with the South was worth losing the men that Lee commanded. What Alexander should be asking was how many men Washington sacrificed for this revolution.

Aaron resists the urge to sigh. “Okay, so we’re doin’ this.”

Aaron goes for the medic on Washington’s orders and thus misses overhearing the tantrum Hamilton throws in front of his commanding officer.

Alexander is sent home, and learns about his unborn son. He comes back with a new desire to live and not go down in a blaze of glory.

Washington, more convinced that Alexander won’t willingly die on him, puts him back in the field.

Aaron finds this to be undeniable proof that Alexander never truly loved Elizabeth Schuyler, that Alexander perhaps could never truly love any one person more than he loves creating a legacy.

After an unspeakable week of bloodshed and slaughter at Yorktown, the British finally surrenders. There is cheering and singing in the streets, but Aaron feels empty.

There are bodies everywhere, in the streets and forests and oceans. Even after the dead are taken away, they never leave Aaron’s mind.

Aaron goes to get a drink. He raises his glass and downs a mouthful for every soldier who died from one of his mistakes, who will never have the chance to live in freedom.

He blacks out before making it through a quarter of the list.

Aaron finds Theodosia at home, hugely pregnant, but alive and safe. He clings to her and when baby Theodosia comes into the world, he clings to his daughter as well.

“You will come of age with our young nation,” Aaron tells the baby Theodosia sleeping in his arms.

“We’ll bleed and fight for you,” he says, and hopes that his daughter will never have to see a day of war. “We’ll make it right for you.”

“I’ll make a million mistakes,” he whispers, and his eyes burn.

Aaron has made so many mistakes already. He remembers them over and over at night, every night. He repeats the names of the soldiers who died under his command, and prays for them and their families.

“I’ll make the world safe and sound for you,” vows Aaron. He touches baby Theodosia’s cheek gently, and she makes a small, sleepy noise. “I swear that I’ll be around for you.”

In New York, Aaron practices law, but not the way Alexander does. Aaron spends more time at home with his Theodosias, grateful that they all made it through alive.

Hamilton runs his mouth off even more than before the war.

A while after the Constitutional Convention, Aaron is woken up in the middle of the night by someone knocking on his door.

“Alexander?” he says gloomily, already knowing he doesn’t want to hear what the man was going to say.

Sure enough, Hamilton launches into a rant trying to convince Aaron into defending the new U.S. Constitution.

“No,” says Aaron, his head spinning. He hasn’t been sleeping well since the war ended, and he’s beyond exhausted. “No way. You’re making a mistake. Good night.”

Alexander stops Aaron from closing the door, and demands to know why Aaron won’t take a stand with pride.

Aaron thinks about the recurring nightmares and the overwhelming fear that his family will not be alive the next time he comes home. He tries to remember the last time he took a stand with pride, without the constant doubt that he will ruin the lives of the people around him.

Aaron mumbles something about keeping his plans close to his chest, and closes the door on Alexander.

Aaron watches from the sidelines as Hamilton fights Jefferson and Madison over control of the government. Hamilton loses his temper in the first cabinet meeting after Jefferson’s taunts, and resorts to crude insults.

“Damn you’re in worse shape than the national debt is in,” says Hamilton. Aaron keeps a straight face with difficulty.

“Sittin’ there useless as two shits,” says Hamilton, glaring at them with clenched fists. “Hey, turn around, bend over, I’ll show you where my shoe fits.”

There is an instant uproar, and Washington calls a break.

That night, Aaron kisses Theodosia and tucks his daughter in, the way he does every night. He waits to see where the wind blows.

Aaron tells Hamilton about Clermont Street being renamed after General Mercer, and how the Mercer legacy is secure.

“And all he had to do was die,” he says.

“That’s a lot less work,” says Alexander, who has dark circles under his eyes and a constant frantic energy about him.

“We oughta give it a try,” says Aaron, and immediately regrets bringing it up even as a joke.

It would have been so much easier if he had died on the battlefield.

Aaron wants to be in the room where it happens, with Hamilton and Jefferson and Madison. He wants to be involved in decisions that will shape America’s future, the country his daughter will grow up in. He knows what he’s willing to give up, and he doesn’t want someone trading away something he refuses to compromise on.

But when Aaron thinks about the consequences of his mistakes, the possibility of making another mistake, his hands shake and images of fourteen-year-old boys bleeding out on the battlefield flash before his eyes.

There’s a reason Aaron no longer plays chess.

Aaron runs for Senate and takes Schuyler’s seat. He prepares himself for the moment when Alexander corners him in a fury.

“Burr, since when are you a Democratic Republican?” he demands.

“Since being one put me on the up and up again,” says Aaron. “They don’t need to know me, they don’t like you.”

“Excuse me?” says Alexander dangerously.

“Alexander, people think you’re crooked,” says Aaron. “Schuyler’s seat was up for grabs so I took it.”

Alexander looks betrayed, and perhaps Aaron overestimated how well Alexander understood politics. No one associated to the Schuyler family was going to be chosen for Senate after everything Hamilton had done in his pursuit of financial power.

If Alexander didn’t know that his decisions would affect the lives around him, he was an even bigger fool than Aaron had thought back in 1776.

“I’ve always considered you a friend,” accused Alexander.

“I don’t see why that has to end.” All that had happened was Aaron trusted the other potential candidates for Senate even less than he trusted himself.

“You changed parties to run against my father in law!”

Aaron’s jaw dropped. Was Alexander so self-centered that he believed that was Aaron’s intent?

“I changed parties to seize the opportunity I saw,” corrects Aaron, trying not to sound too offended. “I swear your pride will be the death of us all. Beware, it goeth before the fall.”

In the coming years, Aaron more than once will feel like his words may have tempted fate to bring about Hamilton’s downfall.

Aaron’s greatest love, Theodosia Bartow Prevost, passes away.

Aaron holds his daughter at the funeral, and swears once more he will always be there for her.

Alexander’s power lies in his writing, but without wisdom and restraint, it is more of a double-edged sword.

Alexander has never appreciated Washington’s favor, ever since he disobeyed direct orders, yelled at his commanding officer, and ended up with a visit home instead of an dishonorably discharge.

With John Adams in charge, Hamilton is not only fired, but further spells out his own doom with a printed tirade against the Adams administration.

Then comes the Reynolds Pamphlet.

The aftermath is too painful for Aaron to feel even the slightest bit self-righteous. Angelica stands by Eliza’s side, and Alexander, once a poor orphan from the Caribbean, loses his family all over again.

This is the exactly the kind of mistake Aaron has always been terrified of making, the reason why Aaron has shied away from so many opportunities and career-changing moments.

Aaron goes home to his loving daughter, and prays for the Hamiltons.

Philip Hamilton dies in a duel to protect his father’s honor. When Aaron hears, he briefly wonders whether there’s any point in praying at all.

Aaron sees Alexander sometimes, walking alone on the streets.

“Philip, you would like it uptown,” says Alexander as he stares blankly at the store. “It’s quiet uptown.”

Then comes the day that Aaron sees Alexander and Eliza walking together, hand in hand.

That day, Aaron goes home and sobs alone for hours. He misses Theodosia more than ever.

Aaron decides he’s had enough of waiting.

Aaron doesn’t think he’s ever been as furious in his life as when Hamilton supports Jefferson for presidency. After a series of angry letters, they settle on the other side of the Hudson at dawn.

Aaron remembers what he said to Hamilton so many years ago. _Can we agree that duels are dumb and immature?_

Sure, but Hamilton has to answer for his words.

Aaron has no confidence whatsoever in his skills with a gun. His second, William P. Van Ness, looks grim but claps a hand to his shoulder. During the war, his fellow soldiers would always tell him he was a terrible shot.

Hamilton turns the pistol in his hands, and pushes his glasses higher up on his nose.

Aaron’s temper has cooled enough for him to remember his promise to his daughter at Theodosia’s funeral. He will not call this duel off, but he will do anything in his power to make sure his baby will never be an orphan.

Aaron knows where to hit to make a nonfatal shot, and he aims carefully.

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, number ten paces, fire!”

Alexander shifts at the last moment to point his pistol towards the sky.

“WAIT!”

But it’s too late for Aaron to adjust his shot. Instead of hitting Alexander in the arm, the bullet lodges between his ribs.

Aaron stumbles toward Alexander, but is stopped by a hand on his arm. William pulls him away.

“You better hide,” he says tersely, but Aaron barely hears him.

Aaron is suddenly on the battlefield again, surrounded by screaming and crying and the cloying scent of blood. After waiting so many years, he takes a stand and once again makes a mistake that ends up in a life lost.

Aaron goes to get a drink. He raises his glass and takes a mouthful for every soldier on his list, now one name longer.


End file.
